September 8, 1962
(Mother looks unwell. She seems to have been having some fainting spells, but this is not clear.)
Are you tired?
A little bit, yes.
For three days it’s been battle, battle, battle.
(long silence)
It’s hard to know if it’s a coincidence…. I don’t believe in coincidences.
Yes, I was wondering if it might coincide with X’s arrival.
He came yesterday. The meditation was good in that it was very concentrated and silent, and he had an ascent like this (gesture of an upright triangle), with a point that was supreme (for him) and a descent of light. Very calm, very silent.
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The doctor says he has the flu – maybe he gave it to me … I don’t know.
(silence)
You see, there’s no longer the slightest feeling of being “ill” or anything like that. The day before yesterday I felt clearly that it was an attack – a very violent one. I had to battle for more than half an hour.
It always feels as if something wants to tear the life out of the body. It takes that form.
(silence)
It is quite evident that X and I are not on the same plane. His power and his action are on a mental-physical plane (gesture below), and this may bring me some complications by making me do a work I usually have nothing to do with.
You have often told me that each time he comes it stirs up lower things.
Yes.
It doesn’t touch me because that whole realm has been completely set in order, but it does touch the atmosphere and puts me in contact with things I usually don’t deal with. And as it’s a difficult time for the body now…. As I told you in our last conversations, the physical is being penetrated by the subtle physical.
The body obviously doesn’t need any more difficulties than it already has.
(long silence)
It’s a strange sensation, a bizarre perception of both the true functioning and the functioning distorted by the sense of being an individual body. They’re not even … you can’t even say they’re superimposed, they’re almost simultaneous, and that’s why it is so hard to explain…. A number of things are malfunctioning in the body; I don’t know if they can be called illnesses (maybe the doctors would call them illnesses…), but in any case, they’re malfunctionings in the body’s organs: the heart, the stomach, the intestines, the lungs and so on. And at the same time there’s (it can’t be called a “functioning”) the true state. And thus certain disorders appear only when the consciousness … as if the consciousness were pulled or pushed or poised in a certain way,
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and then, those malfunctionings INSTANTLY appear – not as a consequence: I mean the consciousness becomes aware of their existence. And if the consciousness stays in that position long enough, there are what we conventionally call consequences: the malfunctioning has its consequences (tiny things, such as physical discomforts, for instance). And if through (is it yogic discipline, is it the Lord’s intervention?… Call it what you will) … but if the consciousness regains its true position, the consequences cease IMMEDIATELY. Sometimes, though, it’s like this (Mother makes a gesture of an overlapping or interpenetration by interlacing the fingers of her two hands), in other words, this way, then that, this way, then that (Mother slips the fingers of her right hand back and forth through the fingers of her left to show the consciousness alternating between two states), this position, then that position, this one, then that one. This movement takes only a few seconds, so I can almost perceive the two functionings simultaneously. That’s what gave me the knowledge of the process, otherwise I wouldn’t understand; I would simply think I am falling from one state into another. That’s not it, it’s just…. The substance, the vibrations, everything is probably following its normal course, you see, and all that is really changing is the way consciousness perceives things.
So pushing this knowledge to its limit – that is, applying it generally – life (what we usually call “life,” the physical life of the body) and death are THE SAME THING, simultaneous … it’s just that the consciousness moves back and forth, back and forth (same gesture). I don’t know if I am making myself clear. But it’s fantastic.
And this experience comes with examples just as concrete and as utterly banal as can be. There’s no room for imagination or enthusiasm – they are details of the utmost banality. For example (it’s only ONE example), this sudden shift of consciousness takes place (something imperceptible, you can’t perceive it, for if you had time to perceive it, I suppose it wouldn’t happen; it isn’t objectified), and … you feel you’re going to faint, all the blood rushes from the head to the feet and: whoops! But if the consciousness is caught IN TIME, it doesn’t happen; and if it’s not caught in time, it does.
This would tend to show…. I don’t know if we can generalize or if this is just one special case being worked out (I can’t say), but there’s a very distinct impression that what ordinary human consciousness perceives as death might simply be that
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the consciousness hasn’t been brought back to its true position fast enough.
I am quite aware that all this must seem confusing; I can feel how inadequate the words and expression are for describing the experience. When you want to be literary, you say it’s a “reversal of consciousness” – but it isn’t! That’s just literature.
Although perhaps it means we are drawing closer to the knowledge of the thing – by knowledge I mean the power to change it, of course. If you have power over something, it’s because you know it; “knowing” a thing means being able to create it, or change it, to make it last or cease to be – in other words it is Power. That’s what “knowing” means. All the rest is explanations the mind gives to itself. And I can feel that something (“something”! Well, what Sri Aurobindo calls “the Lord of Yoga”: the part of the Supreme concerned with terrestrial evolution) is leading me towards the discovery of that Power – that Knowledge – naturally by the only possible means: experience. And with great care, for I can feel that….
It’s going as fast as it possibly can.
Outwardly, of course, these troubles (these apparent troubles) upset people, especially the doctor! I’ve explained to him that it was all yoga and transformation, and he shouldn’t worry, but evidently … it’s upsetting to ordinary eyes. One fact in particular is bewildering to ordinary vision: I am very, very regularly losing weight. It’s already down to a ridiculous figure – I weigh only 85 pounds! With my height and bone structure, my normal weight should be 130 pounds; when I was twenty-five I weighed 130 or 135. Now I am down to only 85, and it’s going down quite regularly. I understand how disturbing this might be for people who see things in the ordinary way! … I don’t eat much (not a little, not a lot, just average), and I don’t seem to benefit from what I eat – that’s how it looks on the surface. And then there are these strange phenomena; I don’t usually talk about them (you’re the only one I have explained them to, nobody else), I don’t talk about them, but from time to time I appear to … I must appear to be fainting. And not in the usual way, you know, that’s the thing! Nothing happens in the usual way, so it’s very upsetting! (Mother laughs) The Energy is tremendous, more tremendous than it has ever been; and there is practically no physical strength. I can act, but only if I bring in the Energy: the least physical act demands the Energy. I think the body is completely … flimsy; it seems … sometimes I touch it to see if it’s still … if it’s hard or if it’s soft!
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(silence)
There was an extremely violent attack (it was yesterday, I believe; no, the day before) and this time, a formidable combative power came to me. The attack consisted of this: the Origin – if there is one – is to be blamed for all ill will, and any process that seems dangerous has to be furthered and helped! But then that consciousness came (almost like an entity with a warlike power), and it stayed until the body recovered its peace, its usual peace.
I could see something almost like the fire of battle – an interesting spectacle! The body was very conscious of the Help it was getting, and that gave it a lot of confidence: it came out of the battle with a kind of increased certainty that it was being led just as it had to be in order to do “the thing” – something nobody knows how to do externally, nobody! Nobody can know – neither the process nor … anything. It’s entirely new.
Of course, the supreme Consciousness knows what It’s doing and what’s going to happen, in that It knows what It wants; but it isn’t something that operates from cause to effect, and from events or circumstances to consequences, the way ordinary consciousness operates; it’s not like that at all, and that’s why we’re unable to express it outwardly – for the moment. Maybe later we will be able to spell something out, but it will never be more than (how can I put it?) … just a story, right? Not THE thing itself.
Anyway, everything I’ve just said to you can be of use!
Yes!
Like a clue. But it’s very inadequate, an approximation.
Voilà, mon petit.
***
(Towards the end of the conversation, Mother again speaks of X’s visit:)
Little by little, what was bound to happen has happened: you have a relationship with an X who isn’t the real X, but your OWN formation of X (I have already told you this), an ideal X you’ve set up inside yourself. Well, you’d better stop associating your ideal with X, because … they don’t match!
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But how should I act outwardly, what should I do?
Nothing. Or do pranam [[Pranam: to bow or prostrate before someone. ]] to him, that’s all, it doesn’t matter. Personally, I could do pranam before a puppy dog, mon petit, in all sincerity – seeing the Lord in it. You have only to think of the Lord, no?
In fact, that’s what I always do.
Think of the Lord, that’s all.
And be polite.
Don’t let this visit ruffle you. Essentially, his approach has always seemed peripheral to me, just one part of an immense whole. It represents ONE aspect of the quest for the Divine on earth,[[ X symbolizes the Tantric quest. ]] and it is part of an entire line, like all the sannyasins, all the saddhus, and so on. X happens to have come closer because he has worshipped the Goddess of Love so much, the Shakti’s aspect of Love, and that naturally led him here, brought him close, but…. I see it as part of a whole world – among many other things. You know, there’s that festival celebrated every ten years, I think, when all the saddhus go to bathe in the Ganges[[ The Kumbhamela: when hundreds of thousands of ascetics and pilgrims go to bathe in the Ganges. ]]; I’ve seen all the photos – it’s painful. It’s … it’s painful. It is no more beautiful or harmonious than a stampeding mob in a revolution. It’s … there is no special grace.
Now, do you remember the story of that man who has been living at the source of the Ganges for twenty-five years?… Here he is (Mother shows his photo). He was in his cave and V. said to him, “I’d like to take your picture.” “All right,” he answered, and came out and sat down in the snow – stark naked.
(Mother looks at the photo) There is something in his forehead, eyes and nose (why the nose?…) that’s very similar in all who have experienced the inner contact.
He’s more like an example of what human beings can achieve: he’s a forerunner more than a worker. He isn’t a creative force on earth: he’s an example.
Yes, these are “siddhis” rather than evolutionary developments: things imposed on Nature.
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They are more like seeds, capacities destined to develop later in the new race, and the seed has been made to grow and bloom as an example, before the thing happens on a larger scale – they are examples.
There’s another man whose disciples say has been living for a hundred and fifty-four years; I’ll show you his photo (Mother goes to look for the photo). D. goes to see him twice a month, and yesterday or the day before, he said to D., “You know, the greatest miracle I know of is having been able to gather more than a thousand people together for a spiritual undertaking!” (Mother laughs wholeheartedly) It’s funny!… One thousand two hundred people is the Ashram’s official figure. “Having been able to draw together a group of more than one thousand two hundred people for a spiritual undertaking”! …
He said he would come here when I called for him; I sent him word that I wouldn’t call him – because I can’t disturb such an old man and not even be able to see him!
(Mother looks at the photo) He looks like a good man.
But there are many like that.
X scolded me for not putting kumkum [[Kumkum: a red powder used in ceremonies. Satprem used to wear a red triangle between his eyebrows. ]] on my forehead any more. I didn’t reply, didn’t say anything.
He’s afraid that when you stop making the gestures, you forget the path!
Yes, he feels I am dropping everything.
That’s it, he feels that if you’re not doing the things he said the way he said to do them, you’ve fallen from the path. He can’t understand. It’s no use discussing it.
He’s not happy with me!
He thinks you have kicked your sadhana.
It’s ridiculous!
No, it’s not! I tell you, he can’t understand. To him, sadhana…. I sent him word that I was fully engrossed in sadhana, and then I
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immediately saw his mental image of me sitting cross-legged doing a perpetual puja! You get the idea. For him, sadhana means certain fixed rules, and if you let the rules go, you let go of the sadhana. But it doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it.
He is “ill” because something is trying to make him go through several lifetimes in one. If it succeeds, well, he will eventually understand; if it doesn’t succeed, we will have done what we could, he will have done what he could, and everything will be for the best. That’s all.
I’ve come to a point where I can see the effort towards the Divine even in very unconscious little beings: puppies, kittens, little babies, a tree – it’s visible. And that is the immense sadhana of the earth … preparing itself to receive the Divine.
That’s all that is needed.
Outer forms are totally irrelevant – totally. Voilà.
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