... Things are getting tighter and tighter. I work till 9:30 at night to prepare the birthday cards for the next day.
I saw an "amusing" little occurrence last night.... I wanted to see you (or was trying to see you) and you were in a room just next door - there was infernal noise! A noise of people talking and talking. Ashram people. It's strange, it's the first time that noise has disturbed me in a dream - what a din they were making in there! I felt like telling them, "Do shut up!"
That's how it is, exactly how it is. But I saw you last night, so you did come. That's how it is.
(Then Mother stops abruptly, goes and leans on her elbows at the window)
Wait, I am not seeing clearly anymore ... (Mother takes her head in her hands and stays motionless for a moment) ... You know, in a very precise, material and detailed way I am developing the power to heal. I don't do it deliberately, that's just how it is. And then (laughing), I am given opportunities to test, to experiment on my own body - there's always something the matter. Suddenly something goes wrong and I apply my hand, or simply do a concentration, some movement or other, and everything disappears - but materially: the power to heal. You know, I apply my hand and then the Force goes through. It's very interesting. Only (laughing), I am the laboratory! That's not so funny.
***
(Regarding an incident of little importance, but significant nevertheless. Mother shows Satprem an envelope containing money and asks him whether she already gave him one. [[Mother used to give Satprem twenty rupees every month ... to buy his cigarettes. ]] Mother did in fact give Satprem a blue envelope eight days ago.)
I am in such a hurry when I do things.... For instance, when
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I have finished my morning work, everyday before lunch I see to the money - the doctor comes, P. comes, it's past lunch time, everybody stands waiting, the cashier too stands waiting there for his money. Everyone clinging. So then, instead of being able to do the work with my consciousness, the consciousness is taken up by all those people who ... "It's time, it's time ... it's late, it's late ..." So I do things automatically, and I don't remember what I do - I never remember anything I do automatically. And with you, I didn't remember whether I had given you the envelope or not, because I did it in that condition. But suddenly, just when I was preparing this new envelope (this time I did it consciously), I saw my gesture of giving you a small blue envelope, this big, and I remembered the smile with which you took it. Those two things were very clear in my consciousness. So I thought, "I must have given it!"
That's how it is, I remember my hand holding out the envelope, and then your smile.
***
(Satprem then reads Mother an old Talk of April 17, 1951, and comes to a passage concerning the perfection of the physical instrument: "Physical perfection in no way and by no means proves that a single step has been made towards spirituality. Physical perfection means that the instrument that will be used by the force - any force - will be sufficiently perfect to be remarkably expressive. But the important point, the essential point, is the force that will use the instrument, and that's where a choice will have to be made...." Mother remarks:)
I remember the exact moment when I said that - the place, the time, the sound, everything - because at that moment, I suddenly felt a divine Will manifest. I remember having thought at that moment, "Ah, it should be like this every time." And now it has come back. What was the date?
April 17, 1951.
***
Towards the end, Mother
remains long in contemplation,
then takes Satprem's hands.
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... Everything, Sri Aurobindo's blue light. He is so close, so close, so very close, he fills you completely. So vast ... so still, and at the same time extraordinarily vibrant - such a powerful vibration, and perfect stillness.
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