May 15, 1968

(There has been a rumor going about that Mother was "unwell,"

and indeed she has not seen anyone. When Satprem comes into

 her room, the lower part of Mother's face is very much swollen,

apparently because of an "infection." She has been

 unable to eat anything.)

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You see, it's the Vatican. I fought and fought, but ... there are too many lies around me. That's it, too many people tell lies all around. I was supposed to see P.L. tomorrow; I think it's better to wait for a few days. You could tell him - don't tell him why!

Did it come through his atmosphere?

Not particularly - directly. Naturally, it's because of that business, and specially because of what we wanted him to do at the Vatican. It's the response to that. I felt it immediately and was able to resist for a very long time, but then ... the atmosphere here isn't pure enough.

It makes use of one or the other.

It's the general atmosphere. When the disorder is invisible, I am free not to say anything and people won't know, but here (laughing) it has taken such a visible form that I couldn't ignore it!

Last night, at the time of the deepest sleep, I found myself in

an infernal world. At first I thought it was the S.S.: tall fellows

 dressed in black, and I was a prisoner there. It was a world of

horrible men, like S.S., but dressed completely in black - maybe

 they were priests and not S.S.? I felt like a prisoner there, as in

 a concentration camp.

Oh!

Tall fellows dressed in black, with cruel faces and lips ... I thought they were S.S., but maybe they are priests?

(Mother remains silent,

then goes into a long contemplation,
which she interrupts suddenly to say:)

A white column, obstinately - obstinately, all the time, there (gesture in front of her), like an offer of peace.

* * *

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(Towards the end, Satprem comes back

 to the Vatican affair.)

Isn't this whole thing going to recoil on them?

I don't care. [[Just as Mother uttered those words, Satprem had a very distinct impression that Mother was saying, "It's ME, over there, to be transformed." ]]

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