December 12, 1962

(Satprem tries to question Mother on the reasons for Sri Aurobindo's departure.)

Oh, no! No, I don't want to talk about it. I would rather not listen to it, I don't want it kept. [[Rightly or wrongly, Satprem did not keep the recording of this conversation, not to obey Mother, for he was never very obedient, but because the words that follow rent his heart. He didn't know at the time how very true they all were. ]] Those were terrible days I lived through then.

(silence)

I am only beginning to come out of it. In any case, not today.

I don't know if it has to do with something general, but on December 9 an avalanche of very unpleasant things came down on me.

What things?

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I don't know. There was suddenly an atmosphere (actually, I'm still in it)... a nasty atmosphere.

Oh, it was appalling, mon petit! Appalling. One thing after another. A veritable avalanche, as if everything were decomposing.

In all the Ashram services, everywhere, there was an onslaught of falsehood, deceitfulness, stupidity, confusion ... APPALLING! We're not yet out of it, the consequences are lingering on. So....

And the body had a lot of difficulty putting up with all that - a lot of difficulty.

How about you - did it take a psychological or a physical form?

Psychological. It fell on me all at once, and nothing seemed to make sense any more; a sort of disgust, of decomposition as you say.

Yes; decomposition, disintegration.

And simultaneously, an old formation I hadn't seen for a long time fell on me again: distaste for writing, desire to leave, things like that.

Yes, there was a hostile onslaught.

And in fact, it began with the usual suggestion: "Sri Aurobindo has gone, so there's no reason for you to stay here - why don't you just leave as soon as you can?" In other words, everything's going to pieces.

Well, my usual answer, the only answer that has some weight with those beings, is "It's not up to me. It's up to the Lord, address yourselves to Him." Then they keep quiet. They come back another time, hoping to succeed, and the response is always the same, which they find somewhat discouraging. After a while it's over. But ... really, everything imaginable; and precisely for those who were progressing steadily: a collapse into all the old errors and stupidities. And then a sort of hate coming out of everything and everybody and hurled at me, with this inevitable conclusion: "What are you doing here! Go away, you're not wanted. Nobody wants you, can't you see that!" "It's not up to me, it's none of my business. Wanted or not, I am here for as long as the Lord keeps me here; when He no longer wants to keep me here, He'll make me go, that's all - it's none of my business." That calms them down,

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it's the only thing that calms them down. But it doesn't discourage them!

Now I am just waiting for the hurricane to pass.

Since 1950, I must say, it has been the same thing EVERY year at this time. And with the same suggestion (which they make not only to me but to everybody, to all those who listen): "Sri Aurobindo has gone, what's she doing here? She should just leave!" And some of them are relentless: "She WANTS to leave," they say. Not "She must leave," but "She's GOING to leave; take it from me, she's leaving, now's the time, she's going to leave. And surely you can see that none of this is real, it just doesn't make sense. Sri Aurobindo left because he was disgusted. He has gone, so logically she must go too." That's the picture.

Actively, there's only one thing to do: "It's not up to me, it's the Lord who decides. It's the Lord who acts, it's the Lord who organizes everything - and to top it off, it's even the Lord who sends you away!" That irks them more than anything! (Mother laughs.)

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